In the weeks around a wedding, everyone writes to the partner. There are vows, morning-of notes and speeches, and cards slipped into pockets. Almost nobody writes to themselves, which is odd, because the person getting married is the one going through the larger change.
This article is about that letter: the one you write in the last loud week before the day, to the person you will be afterward. It also suggests two more for later, at the first anniversary and the tenth.
Everyone writes to the partner, and this one is yours
A wedding is full of other people's expectations, and most of what you say is said in front of an audience. A letter to your future married self has no audience. Nobody else needs to hear it, and nothing in it has to sound good said aloud. It does not have to be romantic or graceful. It only has to be true.
That makes it a different kind of document from the vows, and it is worth keeping the two apart. Your vows are a promise shared with another person. This letter is a record, written by you, for you, of who you were in the last ordinary week before it.
The last-week letter
Write it when the logistics have peaked and you have a quiet half hour. The night before the rehearsal works, or a lunch break between seating charts.
Here are prompts to start with:
- What are you saying goodbye to? The standalone life, a favorite habit, the particular freedom of Tuesdays.
- What are you keeping, no matter what?
- What fear are you keeping quiet?
- What do you hope the two of you will argue about, and how do you hope you will argue?
- What do you want to remember about this week once the day has blurred?
The questions work for any couple. Use the words that fit your life, whether you say partner, spouse, husband or wife, and whether the ceremony is large, small or happens in a registry office on a Thursday.
What you might say
Be specific. Mention the taxi at dawn, the grandmother's ring, the fight about the playlist. These details will fade by the first anniversary. Write down one honest sentence about being scared, if you are. It is common to feel joy and fear at the same time, and your future self will be glad to know you were allowed both.
Say what you love about your own life right now. That sounds odd in a wedding letter, but marriage changes a life, and it helps to know what you were like before it began.
The anniversary chain
One letter becomes more useful when it is part of a series. You can schedule more letters right away, for the first anniversary and for the tenth, and write each one to the version of you who will receive it.
For the one-year letter, ask how the first year felt compared with what you expected. For the ten-year letter, ask about habits, arguments and traditions that grew without anyone planning them. Questions that work: What do the two of you still argue about? Which tradition did you invent without noticing? What did I not see coming? A note in each about what you hope to still be doing together gives your future self something to check.
You can write all three in one afternoon. Just be aware of one practical thing: every letter email carries an unsubscribe link, and using it stops all the letters still scheduled for that address. If you and your partner share an inbox, remember that anyone who uses the unsubscribe link, or a mail program's unsubscribe button, stops every letter still scheduled for that address.
Use an address that is yours
The letter goes to the email address you enter, and nothing can be edited or redirected afterward. If you share an account with your partner, they may see the letter before you do. That may be fine, or it may spoil the point of writing only for yourself.
Many couples have a shared address for bills and a personal one for everything else. Use the personal one. Also think about the long run: a ten-year letter needs an address you expect to still have. If you plan to change your name after the wedding, check that the address will not change with it, and write the address and the date down somewhere you keep for years, so you will remember that this letter is still on its way.
Keep it out of the vows
Do not turn this letter into a draft of your vows. Vows are written for the other person and spoken aloud. This letter is written for yourself and may include things you would not say at the altar, such as nerves, regrets about small things or a quiet sense that life is about to change.
If you are tempted to tell your partner everything in the letter, that is a good sign. It may be a conversation you want to have anyway. But the letter itself can stay between you and your future self.
When to send them
The one-year letter can arrive on the anniversary, or a few days either side, so it does not collide with plans. The ten-year letter is the same. We email each letter on the day you choose, between 8:00 and noon in your time zone. A saved letter cannot be edited or cancelled, and letters are stored as plain text, so leave out anything that would embarrass you or anyone else if it were seen.
Keep a copy of each letter in a folder, and write the dates in a notebook. The service sends no reminders, so a short list will help you remember what is coming.
A sample letter
Dear future me,
It is three days before the wedding and I am writing in the kitchen at midnight with a cup of tea going cold. I am saying goodbye to Saturday mornings alone and to the way I stack the dishes. I am keeping my laugh, my mother's ring and the habit of walking after dinner. One honest sentence: I am afraid of losing the version of me who is easy on Sundays. How was the first year? What are you still arguing about?
[your name]
Write it now
Find half an hour in the last week and answer the prompts above. Add a line about what you are afraid of, and one about what you want to keep. Choose the date of your first anniversary for the second letter, and send them both.
